The Deadliness of Hypocrisy and Shame...
It is unbelievably sad to hear about the murder-suicide of the Mayor of Coppell, Jayne Peters and her 19 year old daughter Corinne. I have lived in Coppell since 1996 and my son attended high school there as well. A month ago we lost Michael, a wonderful 20 yr old young man, who had been a friend of my son for years, to suicide. This is happening in one of the "best neighborhoods", to the seemingly most unlikely people. What in the world is going on?
In each case, there is a story of real people facing a life that they no longer believe they are able to cope with. Yet Coppell, and Texas, and even the US to some degree, prides itself in being a successful, religiously based community. The churches are filled with people who believe that there is a certain way to live that is acceptable. Our media is filled with images showing us that there is a certain way to live that is both desirable and makes us more desirable. We are faced, at every turn, in the public discourse, with political rhetoric about how we should live, behave, love, marry, and achieve success. And we are constantly reminded that anything less than this is unacceptable.
This view seems profoundly narrow and hostile to the unique spirit of each individual. Rather than learning to express life with joy, or discover new ways of being, people feel the need to look like they live the life that is considered acceptable. Unfortunately this creates and fosters a deep internal shame and outer hypocrisy. Trying to live the "perfect" life, whether to conform to some rigid religious code or live up to some media illusion, means that it becomes more and more challenging to admit to problems, ask for help, seek guidance and solutions, make changes, or simply admit that we can not and do not want to conform to this outer image. Sometimes there's deep depression or mental illness involved which makes it even harder to reach out.
Hypocrisy is the result of trying to live outwardly a life that is not congruent with what one is actually doing. The amount of mental and emotional energy needed to lie to ourselves and to others leaves no energy left over to cope with challenges. Shame is the result of believing one is so flawed or unacceptable on the inside and the energy needed to hide these flaws is so great that there is nothing left over to deal with trauma or even ordinary stress. What happens when someone can no longer live up to their own outer image or live with their internal shame? Well, I think we can see the deadliest results in these stories.
It is up to our religious and spiritual communities to create a true sense of unconditional love and profound acceptance for each and every person. Creating a safe place where people can share their pain, explore their differences, discover their uniqueness, and determine the kind of moral, successful life which is right for them - this is the opportunity, and obligation, our spiritual communities have.
Each and every person is unique and precious. Each person has their own God-given talents and special way of being in the world. While we must all learn to live in a civilized society, this does not mean that we must all live in the same manner, or conform to outer religious or socially imposed norms. What happens when you discover something in your life that is outside of these norms? Your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant, your spouse is cheating on you, or you are living so far beyond your means that you can no longer continue with the façade?
Religion and Spirituality can give us an inner moral compass to guide us through the challenges and paradoxes we encounter ever day. This inner compass should point toward radical compassion and unconditional acceptance, obviously not of criminal behavior, but of each person as they seek to make their way through the profound challenges that are the human condition. Then we are able to turn this deep compassion onto ourselves as well. Learning to see ourselves with compassion and acceptance, allows us to confront our challenges and seek help to find a way through them. Perhaps then, people would no longer feel so completely unable to cope that they would have to take their own life or worse yet, the life of someone they love.
Thank you for reminding us how precious each person is and how each one is truly a gift of God's expression.
1 month ago